Module 6: Conflict Resolution

Homeopath Edel Bolger O’Hora (Jan 2023)
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In reality, every parent and child fights — and a whole new set of tools offers powerful methods to resolve conflict, whether you are struggling to put your four-year-old to sleep or tussling with your teenager over screen time. No relationship in life is as intense as that between parent and child. So as conflict intensifies, you risk having the tension emotionally consume you, to the extent that you can think of nothing else in your life.
 

Many families have a pattern of conflict that tends to repeat when in a fight with a child. All of us, to various degrees, develop a persona, a mask we put on in order to conform, to please, or to charm. Part of self-development is developing awareness around these masks, in order to behave in a way that is more congruent to the inner self, rather than playing different roles in different relationships
 
Roles have a role to play in conflict, too. In 1968, psychologist and aspiring actor Stephen Karpman developed the drama triangle, a model that attempts to explain the underlying dynamics of dysfunctional relationships. Karpman proposed that in conflict, people take on various roles, which keep the drama alive. The three roles are: the victim, the rescuer, and the perpetrator. When these roles remain unconscious, drama continues to play out, as they each energize each other. Healing requires the ability to identify unhealthy dynamics, to step outside the drama triangle, restore peace, and cultivate healthier ways of relating.
 
The Victim takes no responsibility, instead criticizing or blaming who they perceive to be the persecutor, from which they see themselves as unfairly oppressed.
The Rescuer is the person on a mission to save others, always willing to sacrifice their own needs in order to save the day.
The Persecutor tends to be rigid and strict, often fuelled by anger. Their desire to criticize or place blame on the other leads to aggressive and oppressive behavior.
 
How the Three Aspects of Drama Roles Lead To Conflict: The initial conflict is sparked once someone takes a position as victim or persecutor, a collection of habits and thought patterns that are similar to putting on a specific mask or wardrobe and reading a role from a script. When operating together, without self-awareness, people pinball between roles. No one person or role is more responsible than the other, but all contribute to the escalation of drama by feeding off the various roles.
 
Because the relationship dynamics that cause the drama triangle are usually habitual and deeply ingrained, stopping the process from unfolding isn’t as easy as pressing an off switch. Models are useful in creating awareness around unhealthy dynamics. The first step is seeing how Karpman’s drama triangle highlights maladaptive or harmful behaviors that often go unseen or unacknowledged.
 
Awareness requires self-honesty and compassion. It’s not easy to accept relationships where you might play the victim, be stuck in persecutor mode, or enable codependency by becoming a rescuer. Compassion is required, because so often in life, unhealthy dynamics form because we know no better.
 
Once these dynamics are fully seen, there are, fortunately, skillful alternatives.

1. Empowerment is the process of re-connecting to innate qualities such as resourcefulness, self-leadership, and creativity, which starts to build self-confidence and belief in a person’s ability to deal with problems, by finding solutions.
2. All conscious relationships require a level of challenge. Being able to reflect or feedback on unhelpful or harmful behavior is essential.
3. Wanting to help others is admirable and necessary and good. But wanting to rescue people is an imbalance, and doesn’t support their empowerment and growth in the long run. If you’re prone to playing the rescuer, ask yourself how you can empower the person you feel compelled to rescue. Ask them questions to give them the power to choose.

 
If we keep on our masks and hide behind our persona, drama often ensues. But if we challenge ourselves to be authentic? Then we support each other to grow, expand, and transcend limitations within ourselves, ever-improving our ways of relating.
 
This module also discusses more Homeopathic Constitutions: Nat Mur, Sulphur, Lycopodium.

Reference:

• LifeStart Foundation Parenting Programme(Sligo)/Barnardos
  ​(Phase3Unit 1,2,3) orla@lifestartfoundation.org

• HSE Swings and Slides Programme/Barnardos sandrastafford@HSE.ie
• Family Caring Trust Parenting Programme(Veritas 1995) breda@familycaring.co.uk
•  https://www.goalcast.com/karpman-drama-triangle/
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/transforming-conflict/201605/4-keys-resolving-conflict-your-kid

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